26 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE NOVEMBER 11, 1994

FROM THE HART

Intimate tapes falling into the wrong hands

Advice on love, relationships and other issues relevant to sexual minorities.

Dear Taylor.

by Taylor Hart

Videotapes are causing me a lot of grief. My lover of five years got a camcorder from his sister last Christmas. Naturally, he's taping everything, including some intimate moments in bed with me.

Last week my lover's sister found an explicit tape of us making love and watched it several times before I found out. Now she can't stop saying how aroused she got seeing me in the act with her brother and even though she knows that I have no interest in women, she is coming on to me left and right.

Presently, she is asking to see more tapes and her brother wants to let her watch them. His reasoning is that she has already "seen everything," so why not let her see the others? Since my lover owns the camcorder and his sister gave it to him, I don't think I can stop the peep. shows.

What can I do?

Dear No Gay Porn Star,

No Gay Porn Star

The first thing you can do is to cease making any new tapes. This may require discontinuing your sexual relationship with your lover. Because he has already proven himself to be insensitive to your feelings and requests, and because it may be possible for him to videotape you in the future without your knowledge, it would be unwise for you to continue having sex with him. Ending your sexual relationship with him could be your first step to empowering yourself in this unfortunate situation.

Whether or not it was ever discussed, I am sure that your lover understood that you

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thought that the tapes were solely for your own viewing and enjoyment. By placing the tapes in a place where they could be found by his sister and by granting her permission to continue viewing that tape and others, he has demonstrated his gross insensitivity, gross disrespect, and has completely violated your trust in him while exploiting your feelings in order to use you sexually.

Frankly, I greatly doubt the sincerity of his feelings for you.

The second thing you can do is try to negotiate with him. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that his sister's viewing of the tapes is completely unacceptable and must stop immediately. Tell him that you want possession of the tapes or that you want to mutually destroy the tapes in order to protect your privacy. If you stand up for yourself and demand that these requests be met in order to move forward in your relationship with him, he may be willing to comply.

I ran your problem past Cleveland lawyer Connie Bartosh. The following three suggestions are hers:

1) If your lover is unwilling to relinquish the tapes into your possession, or to destroy them, tell him that you are planning on consulting an attorney. If he is wise he will want to avoid a messy legal problem.

2) Put your requests of him into writing, make a copy of these requests for your own record, and send another copy to him via certified mail with a signed return receipt.

3) If this does not work, see an attorney. You can request an injunction in court to have the tapes turned over to you or be destroyed. Be aware, however, that this would include the court's viewing of the tapes.

Of course, having the tapes turned over to you or having them destroyed is no guarantee that copies of the tapes have not already been made. I am very suspicious of the whole situation. It seems curious to me that his sister just happened to give him a camcorder for Christmas, that he just happened to make sexually explicit tapes, that his sister just happened to find the tapes, that she just happened to be turned on by them, and that your lover just happens to not mind her viewing the tapes. It makes one wonder if this was not the plan of action all along.

Beyond that, there is not much more I can recommend. You don't have a great deal of legal recourse. Personally, I would have seen an attorney immediately. But then, I would have immediately erased the tapes after our first viewing of them. The best advice I can give you is that if you do not wish to be a porn star, do not allow anyone else to record or photograph you in compromising positions. These things have a way of coming back to

CURBSIDE

fightin' Words

haunt people. Good luck. Dear Taylor,

Where was the most exciting place you have ever had sex?

Big Fan

Dear Big Fan,

In the back of a public bus. The risk of getting caught made it an exhilarating and exciting experience. Believe me, it was one long and bumpy ride! In fact, we missed our stop.

ASK RICK & ROGER

Making a bitty bath bigger

by Rick and Roger Bailey

Rick and Roger Bailey, owners of RMBailey Company Interiors, have worked in the Columbus area for ten years. They will answer readers' questions on do-it-yourself home remodeling projects for just about anything needing to be done in the home. Send questions on old houses or new ones to Rick and Roger, P.O. Box 12235, Columbus 43212, or e-mail to chronohio@aol.com. Dear Rick and Roger,

I have a few questions on how to fix up my small bath. It is about 5 by 8 and it seems really small. What are some basic things I can do to get the most out of my space?

Dear Bonnie Sue,

Bonnie Sue

Since most of us spend a lot of time in our bathrooms I feel that the bath is one of the most important rooms in the house. Anything you do to improve your bathroom will increase the value of your home. Your bath is the one room other than the kitchen with moving parts and fixtures that have to be maintained and serviced to keep in perfect working order.

If you want to make changes that will reflect quality and long-lasting durability, change the fixtures on your sink and shower. Open the room up by adding a see-through glass shower door. Use light colors throughout so you get the most light to reflect in the small space. If you are changing your tile or floor coverings, use a small pattern in the small space to give a larger dimensional feel.

What about lighting? In baths this small we have used can lights, track lighting, fan light combinations, etc. Use lighting directly above the mirror, in the center of the ceiling, and separate the lighting above the tub. These are just a few items and we hope they will give you the look you want.

ROB HAS UNCOVERED A SURPRISING SECRET FROM NATHAN'S LOVE LIFE.

I DON'T GET YOU NATHAN... IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE STUPID OR UNINFORMED HOW COULD YOU BE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX IN THIS DAY AND AGE?

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR BEING CONCERNED ABOUT You.

Look, I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL, BUT SOMETIMES YOU CAN COME ACROSS AS SORTA.. SEX NEGATIVE

BAISAN

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL You? I USUALLY TAKE EVERY PRECAUTION IN THE WORLD.

I JUST...SLIPPED A FEW TIMES. MOSTLY WITH THAT GUY HENRY I USED TO GO OUT WITH.

SEX NEGATIVE ?! ME? I AM NOT !!

C'MON ROB-DEEP DOWN YOU THINK THAT MY HAVING HAD A LOT OF PARTNERS IS SOMEHOW... IMMORAL OR

SOME THING.

Dear Rick and Roger,

Since winter is just around the corner I need some ideas on how to prepare my home for the cold weather. I would like to do something with my basement and its windows, fix up my front and back doors so there is extra protection from the cold, and basic tips to save money on my gas bills. Can you help?

Dear Mr. Freeze,

Mr. Freeze

I guess you are ready for the cold with that name. Rick and I always love glass block for basement window applications. They look great and can be vented, they are great for security, and they keep out the cold. Your normal size basement window will cost about $80.00 each to have done or about $30.00 in materials per window if you do it yourself. You can also consider stuffing insulation between your floor joists along the outside wall of your basement to keep out the cold.

Your drafty front and back door problems can be fixed with various items. At the higher end of the price table you could have attractive storm doors installed. They come in various designs, our favorite ones have a clear glass center and a border to match the trim colors on the house. This allows you to continue seeing the front door. When buying these doors check for quality in the seal and how the door shuts. The really good ones will close like refrigerators and seal on all four surfaces. If you're not into storm doors your local hardware will carry all sorts of weather stripping and caulks to keep out the nasty cold.

Basic tips for insulation would take a full page to describe, but pamphlets from many municipal housing departments and gas companies spell it all out in black and white. Their ideas range from wrapping your hot water heater to installing insulation pads behind your switch plate covers.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT "SLIPPING" EVEN ONCE MIGHT JUST BE ONE TIME TOO MANY?

YES, THANK

You DOCTOR ROB! I'LL BE SURE TO MAKE A NOTE OF THAT!

THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! IF YOU WEREN'T SO FULL OF SELF-LOATHING AND INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA,YOU'D QUIT PSYCHOANALYZING ME AND GET YOUR OWN ACT TOGETHER,BUSTER!! GASP...

I AM NOT FULL OF SELF-LOATHING AND INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA! SPUTTER SPLUT